Tuesday, April 11, 2006

BaconSoup Has Moved

BaconSoup is back. But we have a new address. Please update your bookmarks and visit the New BaconSoup here: BaconSoup

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Things I Wonder - Vol. VII

I wonder, what does the H stand for in Jesus H. Christ. Is it Hugo? Horatio? Henry? Humperdink? Hal? Homey...inquiring minds want to know.

Monday, August 29, 2005

How To: Voodoo Doll

Dear Baconsoup,

Recently my whore of a wife cheated on me. I caught her boning the the pool boy. And you know what sucks. We don't own a pool. I would really like it if you could help me out. I'd love to know how to make a Voodoo doll. Now I'm not wanting it because my wife is a worthless tramp. I want to make one because I like dolls. Yeah that what it is. Any help would be great.

Whoreless and free from Memphis.

Well Whoreless and free, we are sorry about your tramp wife. Really we are. As far as a Voodoo doll goes. I think we can help you out, but we must tell you we do not condone the actions one takes while using a Voodoo doll. With that said we are mailing you out a form that you must sign, stating we are not held accountable for any mishaps that may occur do to your doll making.

Disclaimer: BaconSoup does not condone the usage of voodoo curses or spells, and does not take responsibility for any consequences resulting from such an activity.

Instructions:
1. Form a cross by binding the two sticks with yarn.

2. Wrap cotton around the longer stick and cover the body with a 14'x2½' cloth poncho for revenge, make everything black.

3. Leave a hole in the middle for the head and cinch the ensemble with more yarn.

4. Fashion a head out of a 3½“x2“ piece of cloth, then draw a face or tack on a photo.

5. Stick away.

6. Have Fun.

Fish Watch: Week VII

Abe's status is still alive. I know I skipped a week and I apologize. Thank God, Abe made it another week. I would have been bummed if he would have bit the dust last week. Keep on Truckin' Abe.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Top Ten: Album Covers

Recently I came across a site that had listed the worst album covers ever. Well I beg to differ. I believe these are some of the best album covers ever and you'll see why. Here is my list of the top ten album covers of all time.

#10. Many Faces of Roger - Roger
That Roger is such a card always making faces. One time he made this face, and man let me tell you it was hilarious. My favorite face of Rogers is his 'O' face

#9. Country Church - Country Church
If only the Amish listened to music. Country Church would have been huge. They were the Osmonds before the Osmonds.

#8. Can I Borrow a Feelin' - Cody Matherson
Cody, Cody, Cody. Man you must have been huge in the trailer parks. All I have to say is sure Cody you can borrow a feelin'

#7. Leibe Mutter - Heino
Leibe Mutter translate into 'Loves Nut/Mother' Well who doesn't love a nut. But I'm guessing it's loves mother, because it's clear that the flowers must be a gift for Heino's mother.

#6. Trees Talk Too - Geraldine and Ricky
I don't care what anyone says. Ricky was the heart and soul of Geraldine and Ricky. Once he left the band it clearly was over. Who in their right mind would want to listen to just Geraldine.

#5. I Love my Life - Jim Post
Who wouldn't love their life if they looked as good as Jim without a shirt standing under some sort of waterfall.

#4. Julie's Sixteenth Birthday - Jim Bult
I'm guessing Jim is maybe Julie's dad. Could be an uncle, or maybe he is here Gym teacher, and they went for a bite to eat to celebrate her 16th birthday. Biggest hits on the album were: She had me at hello, and Judge sentenced me to 10 years.

#3. Por Primera Vez - Tino
The original Rico Suave. Paco, Gerardo, Menudo and Ricky Martin can't hold a candle to Tino. Tino's follow up album titled 'Sacapuntas' was just as good.

#2. Tijuana Picnic - Colonel Sanders
First off who knew the Colonel could sing. And second, where does he find the time. I heard that if you play this record backwards you do hear the ingredients for the Colonel's secret recipe. Biggest hit was Tijuana take your mother to a gangbang.

#1. By Request Only - Ken
A request huh? Hmmm, let me think about that one, the possibilities are endless. I'd love to hear Ken sing just about anything. Maybe a little Fernando, Bohemian Rhapsody, All Out of Love, or maybe my favorite from Juice Newton, Queen of Hearts, or in Ken's case, King. Ken had to be a hit with the ladies. Just look at him, what is there not to love. Unfortunately I couldn't locate the songs on 'by Request Only,' which is truly a shame because I was dying to know which songs Ken chose to sing. I bet they were great.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Connery

Actor Sean Connery turned 75 years old today. And you know what, I'd still let him sleep with my mom.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Jesus is my DJ

*Shameless Plug Warning*

We here at BaconSoup are close friends with Socratees.org It's a T-shirt website that features off the wall Tees. Take for example the shirt Jesus is my DJ. Now first off, who would not love to be in a dance off (preferrably a breakdancin' one) with Jesus in their corner. Thing I love about DJ Yahweh or the MC Messiah is that he literally has two turntables, and a microphone.

Socratees tells us that the Jesus is my DJ shirts are selling like Hot Cakes. And that they would love to see someone wearing that shirt. So if anyone out there has bought a Jesus is my DJ shirt. Take a picture of yourself wearing the DJ shirt (or any other SocraTees you may own) and send it there way.

Email them: photos@socratees.org

*plug over*

Things I Wonder: Vol. VI

I wonder, exactly how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop? Damn, Owl. (angry)

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

MILF: Brady Bunch Style

I can still remember growing up, racing home to catch the two hour block of the Brady Bunch on TBS. I never missed an episode. I think I've seen each one at least 20-30 times. Ask me a Brady Bunch question and I'll nail it.

Speaking of nailing, there was one reason I never missed an episode, and only one
reason alone. Some would say it was because of Mrs. Brady (Florence Henderson) or perhaps Marsha (Maureen McCormick), but not me, it was because of Alice (Ann B. Davis.) No, I didn't stutter, you heard me right. I bet you would have never guessed the M stood for Maid in the title of this article. Alice was certainly a Maid I'd Like to..Hello! The more I think about Alice the more I wonder, did Mike & Greg tap that ass? Well I'm sure Mike didn't, he was probably more into Sam, but Greg, Peter and Bobby had to fantasize about Alice one day showing up in nothing but a French Maid outfit. Considering Alice was the only woman in their lives for quite some time. I know I would have brought her meat everyday, and I'm no butcher.