Carlinisms

Just thought I'd waste time and share some classic George Carlin quotes. That is all.

- When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

- When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

- Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

- Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

- I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

- Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

- Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

- Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

- At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

- The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

- Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

- Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.

- Toodle-loo, go with God and don't take any wooden nickels.