Interview: Abraham Lincoln

We here at Bacon Soup recently sat down and had an interview with former President Abraham Lincoln:

BaconSoup: Mr. Lincoln thank you for taking the time to talk with us.

Lincoln: Please call me Abe

BS: Okay, Abe. Throughout history and in the classroom there is always talk about who the greatest president is. Recently a poll on MSNBC asked that same question and you came in second behind George Washington. What are your thoughts on this?

Abe: Well, first off it is a honor to be in such great company such as George but I think that poll is a load of crap. I am hands down the greatest president to ever live.

BS: Wow, that is a pretty strong statement. Why is it you feel that way.

Abe: Well, think about it. What did Washington really have to do as President? Sure, he led his troops across the Potomac...big fucking deal. The Presidency basically fell into his lap. I had to deal with the whole slavery thing, not to mention the fact the South wanted to secede. I was the only president who had Americans fight against their brothers, on American soil. Yes, Washington had to deal with the British and he was trying to get out from under British monarchy. But seriously were they really a threat. There was an entire ocean seperating the two, and not as many states to deal with.

BS: I see your point. Onto the next issue. Both you are George are considered the most honest of the presidents. We have all heard the stories of Mr. Washington not telling a lie, and you have the nickname Honest Abe. Again you and Washington are judged together. What gives?

Abe: Well, quite frankly I'm getting sick of this whole comparison of George and I. To all those out there that honestly believe Washington never told a lie. You all are a bunch of fucking idiots. Washington lied his ass off. So, he admitted he chopped down a cherry tree. Whoop-de-frickin-doo. The funny thing is in his secret letters to Martha he told the true story of that incident. The son of a bitch tried blaming it on his brother Rupert.

BS: Rupert? I never knew Washington had a brother named Rupert.

Abe: See that is the thing with history. The teachers can leave out certain factual information for better or worse. But Rupert was the black sheep of the family. Kinda like Roger Clinton. Now I lost my train of thought. Where was I?

BS: Cherry tree and Rupert

Abe: Right, back to the cherry tree. George tried blaming it on Rupert and through much discussion and the fact that his little brother was getting his ass beaten, he finally caved in. If any kid needed Paxil it was little George the kid had serious ADD.

BS: Interesting. One last question and I'll let you get back on your way. Do you have any ill will towards John Wilkes Booth.

Abe: Nah, none at all. I understand where he was coming from. I just wished he would have let me finish watching that play. I was really enjoying it, and later that night I was going to get me a nice piece of ass.

BS: Mr. Lincoln, sorry, Abe. Thank you again for your time. We really appreciate it.

Abe: Your very welcome, can I say one more thing, well two more things. I never quite understood how I am on the five dollar bill and the penny. The penny! What the hell is that. No one uses pennies anymore. George got the better currency the dollar bill and the nickel. I wanted to be on the fucking nickel. It makes only sense. The nickel and the five. Both are basically an increment of five. I'm really looking forward to when they bring back penny gumball machines. And finally how come George got the Monument and I got a Memorial. Have you seen the size of the Washington Monument. It's the biggest damned thing in DC. DC screwed me, screwed me hard.