Bacon Soup

BaconSoup Has Moved

2006-04-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

BaconSoup is back. But we have a new address. Please update your bookmarks and visit the New BaconSoup here: BaconSoup

Things I Wonder - Vol. VII

2005-09-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

I wonder, what does the H stand for in Jesus H. Christ. Is it Hugo? Horatio? Henry? Humperdink? Hal? Homey...inquiring minds want to know.

How To: Voodoo Doll

2005-08-29T07:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Baconsoup,

Recently my whore of a wife cheated on me. I caught her boning the the pool boy. And you know what sucks. We don't own a pool. I would really like it if you could help me out. I'd love to know how to make a Voodoo doll. Now I'm not wanting it because my wife is a worthless tramp. I want to make one because I like dolls. Yeah that what it is. Any help would be great.

Whoreless and free from Memphis.

Well Whoreless and free, we are sorry about your tramp wife. Really we are. As far as a Voodoo doll goes. I think we can help you out, but we must tell you we do not condone the actions one takes while using a Voodoo doll. With that said we are mailing you out a form that you must sign, stating we are not held accountable for any mishaps that may occur do to your doll making.

Disclaimer: BaconSoup does not condone the usage of voodoo curses or spells, and does not take responsibility for any consequences resulting from such an activity.

Instructions:
1. Form a cross by binding the two sticks with yarn.

2. Wrap cotton around the longer stick and cover the body with a 14'x2½' cloth poncho for revenge, make everything black.

3. Leave a hole in the middle for the head and cinch the ensemble with more yarn.

4. Fashion a head out of a 3½“x2“ piece of cloth, then draw a face or tack on a photo.

5. Stick away.

6. Have Fun.

Fish Watch: Week VII

2005-08-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

Abe's status is still alive. I know I skipped a week and I apologize. Thank God, Abe made it another week. I would have been bummed if he would have bit the dust last week. Keep on Truckin' Abe.

Top Ten: Album Covers

2005-08-26T00:39:00.000-07:00

Recently I came across a site that had listed the worst album covers ever. Well I beg to differ. I believe these are some of the best album covers ever and you'll see why. Here is my list of the top ten album covers of all time.

#10. Many Faces of Roger - Roger
That Roger is such a card always making faces. One time he made this face, and man let me tell you it was hilarious. My favorite face of Rogers is his 'O' face
#9. Country Church - Country Church
If only the Amish listened to music. Country Church would have been huge. They were the Osmonds before the Osmonds.
#8. Can I Borrow a Feelin' - Cody Matherson
Cody, Cody, Cody. Man you must have been huge in the trailer parks. All I have to say is sure Cody you can borrow a feelin'
#7. Leibe Mutter - Heino
Leibe Mutter translate into 'Loves Nut/Mother' Well who doesn't love a nut. But I'm guessing it's loves mother, because it's clear that the flowers must be a gift for Heino's mother.
#6. Trees Talk Too - Geraldine and Ricky
I don't care what anyone says. Ricky was the heart and soul of Geraldine and Ricky. Once he left the band it clearly was over. Who in their right mind would want to listen to just Geraldine.
#5. I Love my Life - Jim Post
Who wouldn't love their life if they looked as good as Jim without a shirt standing under some sort of waterfall.
#4. Julie's Sixteenth Birthday - Jim Bult
I'm guessing Jim is maybe Julie's dad. Could be an uncle, or maybe he is here Gym teacher, and they went for a bite to eat to celebrate her 16th birthday. Biggest hits on the album were: She had me at hello, and Judge sentenced me to 10 years.
#3. Por Primera Vez - Tino
The original Rico Suave. Paco, Gerardo, Menudo and Ricky Martin can't hold a candle to Tino. Tino's follow up album titled 'Sacapuntas' was just as good.
#2. Tijuana Picnic - Colonel Sanders
First off who knew the Colonel could sing. And second, where does he find the time. I heard that if you play this record backwards you do hear the ingredients for the Colonel's secret recipe. Biggest hit was Tijuana take your mother to a gangbang.
#1. By Request Only - Ken
A request huh? Hmmm, let me think about that one, the possibilities are endless. I'd love to hear Ken sing just about anything. Maybe a little Fernando, Bohemian Rhapsody, All Out of Love, or maybe my favorite from Juice Newton, Queen of Hearts, or in Ken's case, King. Ken had to be a hit with the ladies. Just look at him, what is there not to love. Unfortunately I couldn't locate the songs on 'by Request Only,' which is truly a shame because I was dying to know which songs Ken chose to sing. I bet they were great.

Connery

2005-08-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

Actor Sean Connery turned 75 years old today. And you know what, I'd still let him sleep with my mom.

Jesus is my DJ

2005-08-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

*Shameless Plug Warning*

We here at BaconSoup are close friends with Socratees.org It's a T-shirt website that features off the wall Tees. Take for example the shirt Jesus is my DJ. Now first off, who would not love to be in a dance off (preferrably a breakdancin' one) with Jesus in their corner. Thing I love about DJ Yahweh or the MC Messiah is that he literally has two turntables, and a microphone.

Socratees tells us that the Jesus is my DJ shirts are selling like Hot Cakes. And that they would love to see someone wearing that shirt. So if anyone out there has bought a Jesus is my DJ shirt. Take a picture of yourself wearing the DJ shirt (or any other SocraTees you may own) and send it there way.

Email them: photos@socratees.org

*plug over*

Things I Wonder: Vol. VI

2005-08-23T07:52:00.000-07:00

I wonder, exactly how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop? Damn, Owl. (angry)

MILF: Brady Bunch Style

2005-08-17T10:04:00.000-07:00

I can still remember growing up, racing home to catch the two hour block of the Brady Bunch on TBS. I never missed an episode. I think I've seen each one at least 20-30 times. Ask me a Brady Bunch question and I'll nail it.

Speaking of nailing, there was one reason I never missed an episode, and only one
reason alone. Some would say it was because of Mrs. Brady (Florence Henderson) or perhaps Marsha (Maureen McCormick), but not me, it was because of Alice (Ann B. Davis.) No, I didn't stutter, you heard me right. I bet you would have never guessed the M stood for Maid in the title of this article. Alice was certainly a Maid I'd Like to..Hello! The more I think about Alice the more I wonder, did Mike & Greg tap that ass? Well I'm sure Mike didn't, he was probably more into Sam, but Greg, Peter and Bobby had to fantasize about Alice one day showing up in nothing but a French Maid outfit. Considering Alice was the only woman in their lives for quite some time. I know I would have brought her meat everyday, and I'm no butcher.

Fish Watch: Week V

2005-08-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

I apologize for being a day late on the Abe Watch. I know some may have been concerned and not sure on the status of Abe. Well, the good news he is still alive and well. Thank God.

Survey: Best Mime

2005-08-15T08:26:00.000-07:00

Who was the better Mime?
1. Shields
2. Yarnell

Sleestaks

2005-08-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

I feel sorry for the Sleestaks. They were peaceful creatures until Marshall, Will, and Holly showed up and tried stealing their land. Who the hell did they think they were? Sure they were on a routine expedition, but come on, as far as the Sleestaks were concerned Marshall, Will and Holly were there to steal their crops, rape their women, and rule over the Land of the Lost.

No wonder Bill Laimbeer was so hostile later in his Pistons days.

Mego Breakin' Tribute

2005-08-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

First off if you are unfamiliar with Mego Toys then check out the Mego Museum. If you were a child around the 70's-80's then you most probably owned some sort of Mego Toy.

Yesterday, after my 'How To: Windmill', a reader (jimbutsu) of BaconSoup sent me an email sharing his Mego experience. It seems that there is a demand for Mego Toys out there, and collectors get together once/twice a year for a convention, better known as the Megomeet. Anyway the reader (jimbutsu) sent me this picture displaying his poster he made for next years Megomeet. And it is quite fitting considering my obsession with the Breakin' movies.

How To: The Windmill

2005-08-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Baconsoup,
I recently watched the movie Breakin' that you recommended and I was wondering. How does one go about Breakdancing? I'd love to impress my girlfriend by performing the windmill. Any help you can give would be great. Thanks

- Steve "Slappy" Solderholm.

Thank you for your email Steve. And yes we can help you learn the windmill. But first I want to say it is not a breakdancing move you can learn overnight. It takes hours upon hours of practice, and you have to be committed. The Windmill is perhaps the greatest breakdancing move, and once mastered you'll be the hit of parties and all the ladies will come running. With that said here is a step by step on how to do the windmill.

Position:
Pushup position with left elbow planted in stomach and left hand on ground below.

Rotation direction: Counter-Clockwise

Stretch right hand to the left in front of you. Lift left leg up in air. Pull with your right hand to get a spinning motion going.

Once you have spinning motion going, bring right leg up to your right, and start turning your body so that your right side will face up. Your left arm will soon collapse, so roll onto your shoulder, now your right leg is going up in the air.
Make left leg follow right leg movement, but keep legs WIDE and STRAIGHT out. This is very important. You`ll be on your back now, hopefully with Legs up in the air like a split (but you don`t have to go as far as a split).

Now as your left leg continues to to go up and your right leg goes down, start rolling your body so that your right side faces down.

As you get to be almost sideways, legs still WIDE and STRAIGHT, put your left hand on ground and plant your elbow into your side. Keep the rotation and you`ll pivot back up onto your elbow and be back where you started.

Tip
Good luck, start it slowly to get the movement, and practice practice practice.

Dead Celebrity Interview: Peter Jennings

2005-08-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

Erik K from Dead Celebrity Interview is back again. This time he brings us an Exit Interview from Peter Jennings.

The Dead Celebrity Interview: This just in. You're dead.
Peter Jennings: Yes I am.
DCI: Did you have your will properly signed by a certified notary public?
PJ: Yes I did.
DCI: Did you make sure your life insurance policy was current and covered funeral expenses and other miscellaneous costs associated with death?
PJ: Yes I did.
DCI: Did you specifically state in accessible documents what you would like done with your remains?
PJ: Yes I did.
DCI: Mr. Jennings, best of luck at the Judgment.
PJ: Thank you.

Tito, Hand me a Tissue

2005-08-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

I was reading the news yesterday and I saw that Eddie Murphy's wife was filing for divorce. It got me wondering. What in the hell ever happened to Eddie Murphy. I would love to know where is the Eddie of old. Where is the Delirious Eddie, the Raw Eddie, or Eddie Murphy, 'The Fuck You Man.' I may have forgiven you for your girl wanting to party all the time, but I can not say the same for the Nutty Professors, or donkey voice overs. I want to watch you tell me 'You got no ice cream, you got no ice cream...want a lick? Sike.' Damn you Eddie for selling out.

I wonder if when parents brought their kids to see Daddy Day Care, they realized that Eddie was the same man who years ago impersonated Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason)
by asking his buddy Norton if he would like to fuck him up the ass? That when he bends over he better start fucking. If those parents actually were to think about it, I doubt it would be 'O-tay.'

Fish Watch: Week IV

2005-08-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

Status: Still Alive.

Words made from name of Abe Vigoda:
God, Diva, Bed, Bad, Dog, Video, Above, Dio, Adobe, Boa, Bead, Give, Gave, Vibe.

Abe Vigoda Anagram Generator

Things I Wonder - Vol. V

2005-08-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

I wonder, was there ever a time when there was no Joy in Painting for Bob Ross...

Carlinisms

2005-08-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd waste time and share some classic George Carlin quotes. That is all.

- When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

- When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

- Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

- Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

- I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

- Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

- Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

- Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

- At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

- The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

- Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

- Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.

- Toodle-loo, go with God and don't take any wooden nickels.

Six Pack Coming to DVD

2005-08-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what I did to deserve this, but I recently found out that the racing movie Six Pack starring Kenny Rogers is set to be released on DVD in September 2005. All I can say is thank you DVD Gods. This is one movie that has been exclusively on video way to long. How could you keep a classic like this trapped away from the DVD world. I mean who doesn't like a good racing movie that involves orphans? Better yet who doesn't like a good movie starring Kenny Rogers.

For those unfamiliar with Six Pack, the premise is basically this. A stock car driver (Kenny Rogers) takes in six young orphans, who just happen to be great with cars. Rogers tries his best to keep the six out of trouble and with the Six Pack as his crew do his damndest to beat his bitter rival 'The Turk.' You're in for a hell of a ride watching this movie. Not only does it star the great Kenny Rogers, but it also features some other stars. Anthony Michael Hall (Sixteen Candles), Diane Lane (Outsiders), and Erin Gray (Silver Spoons). By the way this is perhaps Diane Lane's finest role, aside from Cherry Valance in the movie Outsiders. Anyway I could ramble on for days about how great a movie Six Pack is, but you all need to see it for yourself to realize how great a classic it truly is.

Recipe: Flaming Jew

2005-08-05T00:34:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:
2 oz Bacardi 151 rum
2 oz Aftershock Hot & Cool cinnamon schnapps
2 oz Goldschlager cinnamon schnapps
1 dash Tabasco sauce
1 splash dill juice

Directions:
Mix ingredients together in a beer mug. Ignite, and serve.

Fish Watch: Week III

2005-08-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

Current Status: Alive

Nothing new to report on the Fish front. Abe Vigoda is still alive and kicking.

Things I Wonder - Vol. IV

2005-07-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

I wonder, who would win first prize in a Science Fair between Mr. Wizard and Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Hold Me Closer Tony Danza

2005-07-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

I enjoy singing, but even more I enjoy singing the lyrics to songs wrong. Below are some of the lyrics to songs I sing wrong and also the way they are supposed to be sung. I think my way is the right way and anyone who tries to correct me, can go to hell. Few of my favorites below.

Toto - Africa
Way I sing it: There's nothing that a hundred men from Mars could ever do
Correct Lyrics: There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

Elton John - Tiny Dancer
Way I sing it: Hold me closer Tony Danza.
Correct lyrics: Hold me closer tiny dancer.

Knack - My Sharona
Way I sing it: My scrotum
Correct lyrics: My Sharona

Tears for fears - Sowing the Seeds of Love
Way I sing it: Sewing machines of love
Correct lyrics: Sowing the seeds of love

Johnny Rivers - Secret Agent Man
Way I sing it: Secret Asian Man
Correct Lyrics: Secret Agent Man

Manfred Mann's Earth Band - Blinded by the Light
Way I sing it: Wrapped up like a douche, another roner in the night
Correct lyrcis: Revved up like a deuce another runner in the night

Carly Simon - You're so Vain
Way I sing it: There were clowns in my coffee
Correct lyrics: There were clouds in my coffee.

So next time you hear any of these songs. Sing them the way I do, and convince all your friends it is the right way.

Comments are open to list your favorites, and the way you feel they should be sung.

How to: Ultimate Nacho Plate

2005-07-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

We recently received an email from a reader named Earl. He saw our previous How To, the one on tossing midgets, and asked if we could help him out. Here was his question:

Baconsoup,

Recently I made a great plate of Nachos, perhaps the best plate ever, but while on my way to my couch. I tripped over my dog and my Nachos went all over the floor. They were not able to be saved. My question is this I'm having the hardest time
duplicating that plate of Nachos, and I was wondering if you could help.

Thank you,
Earl

Well Earl, we can most certainly help you. The predicament you are in has happened to me as well. But in my case I made the Ultimate Nacho Plate only to have it eaten by my aunt and cousin. Man was I pissed. I worked long and hard on that plate only to have it enjoyed by them and not me. Anyway, enough about me. This is all about you and how we are going to help you achieve the Ultimate Nacho Plate.

What you need:
- A block of Sharp or Medium Cheddar Cheese.
- White Corn Torilla chips. (preferably Santitas)
- Nice sturdy plate (whatever you do, do not use a paper plate)
- Cheese Grater
- Taco sauce (preferably Jack in the Box)

Steps:
1. Grab another plate to grate your cheese with. Never grate cheese over your tortilla chips. Reason is you lose the upper hand on cheese placement. Which is very crucial.
2. Grate/shred a little under a half of the block of cheese. Sharp or medium cheddar works best. (Never use white cheese, or already shredded cheese.)
You have to have control over your cheese and prebought shredded cheese is a big no-no.
3. Carefully place tortilla chips individually on your plate. Note - not the one you grated the cheese from step 1 on.
4. After you have a nice balance of chips, then you may begin the placement of the cheese. With one of your hands, slowly release cheese. Do not go to fast or you'll have to start over. Important: Each chip should have some cheese on it.
5. Place nachos in microwave for approx. 35-40 seconds. You want the cheese to be melty but not to crisp/burnt. Remember the chip is warm so whatever cheese has not melted completely will melt more due to the warmth of chip.
6. Strategically place taco sauce on chips. Not to much and not to little. Basically you want a 1/4th of your chips covered with sauce.
7. Eat

Tips:
- Eat the chips without least amount of cheese first.
- Usually one chip has more cheese than others, save that one for last.
- If the cheese falls of the chip. Eat that chip without cheese and save the cheese that fell off for the last chip.

Aniversario Feliz al Taquito

2005-07-28T13:39:00.000-07:00

I would like to take a moment out of my day to say thanks/gracias to the Mexican restaurant El-Indio for creating the Taquito. This year marks the 65th anniversary of the taquito, or 'little taco.' And we owe it all to them. It sort of makes me sad thinking of what the mexican food industry would be like without taquitos, or what my dining experience would have been like at Pancho's without it. All I know is I would have had that Pancho's flag raised at half mast. So, everyone who is reading this, lets all have a moment of silence and remember the taquito, and all the good times it has shared with us.

Recipe: Flaming Blue Jesus

2005-07-28T10:50:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:
1 oz Bacardi 151 rum
1/2 oz peppermint schnapps
1/2 oz Southern Comfort peach liqueur
1/2 oz tequila

Directions:
Layer with 151 proof rum on top. Light on fire - burn for 5 seconds - blow it out and drink.

Dead Celebrity Interview: Henry VIII

2005-07-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

Erik K. from Dead Celebrity Interview is back again. This time with Henry VIII of England.

The Dead Celebrity Interview: It is a great pleasure for me, a representative of all things living, to welcome His Royal Highness, King Henry VIII of England, who is extremely deceased.

King Henry VIII of England: Thank you.

DCI: Your majesty, I want to jump right into it: it has been said of you, and I quote, "King Henry the Eighth, to six wives he was wedded. One died, one survived, two divorced, two beheaded." What in the wide world of sports happened?

KH8: My father, the esteemed King Henry VII always had a saying that he related to me when I was young: "Bitches ain't shit but ho's and trick's." I really tried to pattern my own relationships around that premise.

DCI: If you had to choose a favorite out of your 6 wives, which would you choose?

KH8: We were only married for 6 months, but I would probably pick Anne of Cleves. She could do this thing with her tongue that used to get my Yorkshire Pudding to rise and cook to a crisp golden brown. I think you know what I mean.

To read the rest of this Interview with Henry VIII: Visit Dead Celebrity Interview

Flick, We Salute You

2005-07-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

Not often do you hear about a child actor becoming a pornstar, sure we've seen them become drunks, and drug addicts, but with Scott Schwartz we got something different. It's hard to imagine, but that kid from such movies as The Toy, Christmas Story and Kidco grew up to do just that. Not only did he work with greats, such as, Richard Pryor, Jackie Gleason, and Darren McGavin, but he also got to rub elbows (well more than that) with others, like, Christy Canyon, Asia Carrera, and Jenna Jameson just to name a few. And for that Mr. Schwartz, we here at BaconSoup salute you.

So Scott Schwartz, if you are reading this I have only one question on how you became a Pornstar. Did someone Triple Dog Dare You?

Sacapuntas

2005-07-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

Sacapuntas is the greatest word in the Spanish language. It just sounds like it has strong meaning. Not only that but the word rolls off the tongue beautifully. Take a moment and say the word...Sacapuntas. Wow. Don't you sound badass? I know I do.

Sacapuntas isn't the only spanish word I know. I took Spanish for 4 years in high school, and although I'm not fluent in the language. I can pretty much hold my own if I'm ever stranded in Tijuana. So since I'm sort of an expert I wanted to share some spanish phrases that will help you survive if you are ever trapped in a spanish speaking country:

1. tengo un lapiz y mi lapiz es amarillo
(translation - I have a pencil and my pencil is yellow.)

2. usted toca la guitarra
(translation - Do you play guitar?)

3. su madre duerme con mi perro (be cautious with this one.)
(translation - Your mother sleeps with my dog.)

4. donde esta la biblioteca
(translation - Where is the library?)

5. cuanto para el espanol vuela
(translation - How much for spanish fly?)

6. hace el estrade del erik vivo aqui
(translation - Does Erik Estrada live here?)

7. Vicki Martinez drives a Chevy
(translation - Vicki Martinez drives a Chevy.)

Survey: The Best Captain

2005-07-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

Who is the Best Captain?
1. Captain Stubbing
2. Cap'n Crunch
3. Daryl Dragon

Things I Wonder - Vol. III

2005-07-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

I wonder, would Mama Cass and Karen Carpenter still be alive if Karen would have eaten the tuna sandwich that Mama Cass choked on?

For our Spanish friends:
Yo se preguntan, Mama Cass y el carpintero de Karen alambique estarian vivos si Karen habria comido el emparedado del atun que Mama Cass estrangulo encendido?

Movie Pick: Viva Knievel!

2005-07-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't love a good motorcycle movie. Better yet who doesn't love a good motorcycle movie involving drugs and Evel Knievel. I know I sure do. One of the greatest daredevils in history, Evel Knievel puts on quite a performance. Nothing short of Oscar worthy. For those unfamiliar with Viva Knievel I highly recommend you go out and grab a copy of this before it to late. Quick rundown on the movie.
The legendary stuntman travels to Mexico to prepare for one of his greatest stunts yet, he takes time out of his schedule to meet his fans, help out lonely orphans, and try to get his alcoholic mechanic to reconcile with his son. While all of this is going on, Evel's main rival is plotting to have Evel killed and then get rich by using the Team Evel 18-wheeler to smuggle cocaine into America.

Intense huh? Not only does it have a great plot, but it has a great cast of characters as well. Besides the star of the show Evel Knievel it stars some of Hollywood's finest: Leslie Nielsen, Laura Hutton, Red Buttons and Gene Kelly. Damn this movie must have cost a fortune to make. I'm sure Evel is still reeping rewards from this flick. Anyway if you are looking for a high quality action movie. Viva Knievel is it.

Español | Deutsche | Français

Also a Client

2005-07-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

What the hell ever happened to Sy Sperling? That guy used to be on my TV every damn day talking about his Hair Club for Men. I want to know, is he still the President? Better yet is he still a client? Could it be that Avacor has created a monopoly in the hair growth market, and Sy can no longer compete. I want answers damnit.

I'm not going to go bald anytime soon, but I still want reassurance that if I ever do, Sy will still be there for me. Guess I'll have to check out SySperling.com to find the answers I'm looking for. I'll be back in a minute............

Okay I'm back, and I'm pissed. I found out that Sy sold his Hair Club for Men company to some corporation for $210,000,000, and now he is selling CD's online titled 'How to Succeed in Business...Beyond Your Wildest Dreams.' So let me get this straight Sy. You sold your company for $210 million and now you want $297 dollars from me so I can buy your CD. What the fuck. I want my damn Hair Club for Men back not some shitty ass CD. Fuck you Sy, you trader. I hope you go bald and the tiny classified ad guy kicks your ass.

Dead Celebrity Interview: Jane Fonda

2005-07-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

We have recently joined up with Erik K. from Dead Celebrity Interview. To bring you the latest celebrity interviews from beyond the grave. First up Jane Fonda.

The Dead Celebrity Interview: Thank you for joining us back in the world of the living, Ms. Fonda.

Jane Fonda: Uh, I'm not dead. I'm still alive.

DCI: Are you sure?

JF: I'm positive. I've been alive the whole time.

DCI: I don't believe you. We here in the world of the living haven't recognized you as being remotely relevant in the 30 years since you sat on that North Vietnamese anti-aircract gun.

JF: I was married to Ted Turner for many years.

DCI: That was you?

JF: Yes.

DCI: Oh.

JF: And I was in the recent movie Monster-In-Law with Jennifer Lopez.

DCI: They released that movie in theaters?

JF: Yes, of course.

DCI: It wasn't straight to DVD?

JF: No.

DCI: Oh.

JF: Would you like to talk about my new anti-Iraq War Bus Tour, on a bus powered entirely by vegetable oil? Or my new autobiography?

DCI: No thanks. Seeya when you're dead.

For more Interviews visit Dead Celebrity Interview

How To: Toss a Midget

2005-07-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

From time to time we here at BaconSoup receive emails from friends, family and strangers asking us how to do this or how to do that. Recently a friend of ours asked how would he toss a midget? Great question and here was our answer.

Steps

1. Find a midget (if you have a midget friend skip to step 3)
2. Entice above midget with either candy or midget porn.
3. Acquire another aquaintance for assistance (it can be done solo, but even though they are small they still can be quite portly)
4. Decide which of you will take the arms and which will take the legs.
5. Swing back and forth (number of swings is up to you)
6. Toss

Next week: How to guarantee your place in hell (hint: write a step-by-step process that involves tossing midgets)

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Fish Watch: Week II

2005-07-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

Current Status: Alive

Nothing new to report on the Fish front. Abe Vigoda is still alive.

"Barzini wants to arrange a meeting (to) straighten any of our problems out."

Recipe: Flaming Dr. Pepper

2005-07-25T06:42:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:
3/4 shot amaretto almond liqueur
1/4 oz 151 proof rum
1/2 glass beer

Directions:
1. Fill a shot glass about 3/4 full with amaretto and top it off with enough 151 proof rum to be able to burn.

2. Place the shot glass in another glass and fill the outer glass with beer (right up to the level of the shot glass).

3. Ignite the amaretto/151 and let it burn for a while. Blow it out (or leave it burning if you're brave - not recommended) and slam it. Tastes just like Dr. Pepper.

And here is an image of what not to do:

What a dumbass

Things I Wonder: Vol. II

2005-07-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

I wonder why the Trix rabbit doesn't beat the living shit out of those kids and take back what is rightfully his. I mean the cereal is named after him.

I Want to Look Like Kenny Rogers

2005-07-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

I'm far from being in the age bracket as Kenny Rogers, but when I reach my golden years I hope to look just like Kenny. I have a feeling I'm not in the minority on this one.

From his roles as the Gambler to Brewster Baker, hands down Kenny is cool. Look up cool in the dictionary and you'll see Kenny's picture there. So until I get older I'll just have to continue visiting Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers and think of how lucky they are that they look like Kenny. As Kenny says..."I Love It!"

(Above pic courtesy of Snaggletooth Kenny from MWLLKR)

Match Game '75

2005-07-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

Oh how I miss Match Game 75. I really loved that show. Gene Rayburn, Richard Dawson, and Charles Nelson Reilly. What a bunch of characters they were. It always seemed that the guests and celebrity panel had the best time. Always laughing, not a care in the world, they seemed like they were such a close knit family. I can just imagine what the parties were like back in the green room. I picture Nipsey Russell cracking jokes, Dawson mixing the drinks, and Charles Nelson supplying the ass. Man, what I wouldn't give for a time machine right about now.

Movie Pick: Boondock Saints

2005-07-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

BaconSoup's latest movie recommendation is Boondock Saints. I believe it stars Willem Daofe. Well I haven't actually watched the movie, but my cousin swears it is the greatest movie ever made. You see one night when my brother was visiting from out of state we stopped by my cousins for something. Anyway, just before we left, he rushed up stairs and grabbed his copy of Boondock Saints. He then handed it to my brother and told him/us to watch it because it was a great movie and everbody he has lent it to loved it. Long story short, we didn't watch it and even though I can not tell you how great it is one way or another. I will not keep a treasure like Boondock Saints locked away in DVD purgatory.

Based on my cousins viewing

Watch Boondock Saints today (for my cousins sake)

Things I Wonder - Vol. I

2005-07-23T01:10:00.000-07:00

I wonder who would win if a boxing match were to take place between Billy Barty and Herve Villechaize...and would they fight as miniweights.

Indexed by tags: Billy Barty | Herve Villechaize

Interview: Abraham Lincoln

2005-07-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

We here at Bacon Soup recently sat down and had an interview with former President Abraham Lincoln:

BaconSoup: Mr. Lincoln thank you for taking the time to talk with us.

Lincoln: Please call me Abe

BS: Okay, Abe. Throughout history and in the classroom there is always talk about who the greatest president is. Recently a poll on MSNBC asked that same question and you came in second behind George Washington. What are your thoughts on this?

Abe: Well, first off it is a honor to be in such great company such as George but I think that poll is a load of crap. I am hands down the greatest president to ever live.

BS: Wow, that is a pretty strong statement. Why is it you feel that way.

Abe: Well, think about it. What did Washington really have to do as President? Sure, he led his troops across the Potomac...big fucking deal. The Presidency basically fell into his lap. I had to deal with the whole slavery thing, not to mention the fact the South wanted to secede. I was the only president who had Americans fight against their brothers, on American soil. Yes, Washington had to deal with the British and he was trying to get out from under British monarchy. But seriously were they really a threat. There was an entire ocean seperating the two, and not as many states to deal with.

BS: I see your point. Onto the next issue. Both you are George are considered the most honest of the presidents. We have all heard the stories of Mr. Washington not telling a lie, and you have the nickname Honest Abe. Again you and Washington are judged together. What gives?

Abe: Well, quite frankly I'm getting sick of this whole comparison of George and I. To all those out there that honestly believe Washington never told a lie. You all are a bunch of fucking idiots. Washington lied his ass off. So, he admitted he chopped down a cherry tree. Whoop-de-frickin-doo. The funny thing is in his secret letters to Martha he told the true story of that incident. The son of a bitch tried blaming it on his brother Rupert.

BS: Rupert? I never knew Washington had a brother named Rupert.

Abe: See that is the thing with history. The teachers can leave out certain factual information for better or worse. But Rupert was the black sheep of the family. Kinda like Roger Clinton. Now I lost my train of thought. Where was I?

BS: Cherry tree and Rupert

Abe: Right, back to the cherry tree. George tried blaming it on Rupert and through much discussion and the fact that his little brother was getting his ass beaten, he finally caved in. If any kid needed Paxil it was little George the kid had serious ADD.

BS: Interesting. One last question and I'll let you get back on your way. Do you have any ill will towards John Wilkes Booth.

Abe: Nah, none at all. I understand where he was coming from. I just wished he would have let me finish watching that play. I was really enjoying it, and later that night I was going to get me a nice piece of ass.

BS: Mr. Lincoln, sorry, Abe. Thank you again for your time. We really appreciate it.

Abe: Your very welcome, can I say one more thing, well two more things. I never quite understood how I am on the five dollar bill and the penny. The penny! What the hell is that. No one uses pennies anymore. George got the better currency the dollar bill and the nickel. I wanted to be on the fucking nickel. It makes only sense. The nickel and the five. Both are basically an increment of five. I'm really looking forward to when they bring back penny gumball machines. And finally how come George got the Monument and I got a Memorial. Have you seen the size of the Washington Monument. It's the biggest damned thing in DC. DC screwed me, screwed me hard.

07.21: National D-Day in Japan

2005-07-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

A little tweak of a quirk in the Japanese language makes July 21 National Diddling Day.

Japanese permits the date "0721" for July 21 to be read as o-na-ni-i.

By coincidence, this pronunciation is almost identical to onani, a derivative of Onanism, which just about any good student of the Bible would be able to tell is the polite way to refer to, well, self-flagellation.

I wonder how much Diddling was done to Johnny Sokko?

Watch Johnny Sokko Diddling

Billy Mays: The Ding King

2005-07-21T07:59:00.000-07:00

I gotta say I love Billy Mays. This guy could promote a pile of shit and I'd buy it. The hell with Jan Muller, Mike Levey from Amazing Discoveries, Tony Little, and Ron Popeil. Billy Mays is the King of Infomercials. Don't get me wrong I've enjoyed other products such as Goo Gone, Didi Seven, The Super Sealer, The Steam Shark, Va-poo-rize, Pocket Flan and others. But just watching Billy Mays promote Oxi-Clean, Orange Glow and The Ding King, really does something for me. Considering after I watch Billy promote the Ding King, I just want to go out and beat the crap out of vehicles just so I can fix the dents. Not to mention the fact I allow my dog to crap all over the floor just so I can break out the Oxi-Clean. I'm comfortable with my sexuality to admit that I love Billy Mays and there is nothing wrong with that.

Ding King Repair Kit

Still Haunts Me To This Day

2005-07-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

Throughout my childhood there were many things that I have been afraid of: Jaws, that clown from the movie Poltergeist, Bea Arthur, & Dudley's Dad from Diff'rent Strokes just to name a few. As I grew older I overcame those fears, but to this day there is still one childhood memory that still scares the shit out of me. That person/being would be Witchiepoo. Yep, Witchiepoo the witch from HR Puf-n-Stuf who was out to get Jimmy and his magic flute. Sid & Marty Kroft I hope you are happy....sons of bitches.

Porkins: A True Legend

2005-07-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the greatest Star Wars character ever was that of Porkins, better known as Red Six. Well I only have one thing to say, Fuck you George Lucas. How could you have killed the greatest Red Leader of all time. You let JarJar Binks live through three episodes and kill off Porkins in a matter of minutes?? Bastard.

Porkins is my Wingman

Movie Pick: Breakin'

2005-07-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

My movie pick for today is Breakin'. The first one not Electric Boogaloo. Now I know Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo has more of a cult following, but Breakin' is where it all began. Where we learned the ways of Turbo, Ozone, & Special K. Don't get me wrong I loved Electric Boogaloo, but the whole save our center thing has been overplayed to much in dance movies. Not to mention the colors in Electric Boogaloo were very very bright. Which took away from the breakin' itself.

I also enjoyed the danceoffs in Breakin' way more than in EB. I long for the days when our youth battled it out doing windmills on cardboard instead of drive-bys. If the troubled youth of today would take time out from their fourties and watch Breakin', Breakin' 2, and even Krush Groove they'd know that the key to non violence is the centipede and the head spin.

Breakin' Collection

To be 11 again

2005-07-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

Man how I miss being 11. I can still remember dreaming that one day Heather Thomas would be mine. The vision of her wearing those bikinis in the Fall Guy is still filed away under Y for yum in my memory vault. Man how I longed to be Colt Seavers. Reality set in however, and I knew there was no way I'd become the Unknown Stuntman. But hey I still had a shot at being Howie. And one can't forget her performance in the movie Zapped. What the hell was Scott Baio thinking. He could have used his Zapped powers on Heather Thomas but chose that other girl instead...
Order Zapped! Today

TV Today Sucks

2005-07-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to the good shows like Joanie Loves Chachi, Courtship of Eddie's Father or Gimme a Break. Damn I miss Nell Carter. Seriously in this TV age we are stuck with shows like Will & Grace, Everybody Loves Raymond, and King of Queens. I long for the days of Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and Fish. I really need to get a job in television and shitcan all these reality shows, and bring back the Diff'rent Strokes and Facts of Lifes of the world. Man what I wouldn't give to see Charlotte Rae on my big screen again.

Fish Watch: Week I

2005-07-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

BaconSoup loves Abe Vigoda, and we are not looking forward to the day Abe passes. Each week we will bring you a status update on Abe Vigoda. Current Status: Still Alive. Again I'm not looking forward to the day Abe dies. It was hard enough coping with the deaths of Nell Carter & Fred Berry, not sure what I'd do when Abe goes.